After nine long years without any big-budget island-based mystery box drama on TV, I was onto Netflix’s ‘The I-Land’ quicker than Hugo ‘Hurley’ Reyes on a bucket of chicken.

I should never have pushed the button.

Left wondering how such a mess could make it not only into production, but into a world which delights in petty mockery, I went looking for reviews to confirm what I’d just watched was a legitimate TV show written by adult humans – and instead found the best press ‘Lost’ has had in years.

Despite knowing within 108 seconds that this was going to be an entire series worse than the episode of ‘Lost’ where Jack gets a tattoo, like Charlie Pace and heroin, I just couldn’t say no.

Every episode of ‘The I-Land’ was overflowing with incomprehensible moments – here are eight of the most WTF.

THE ‘MYSTERIOUS ISLAND’ BOOK

Taylor, the stupidest character on a mysterious island populated entirely by idiots, finds a book buried in the sand called ‘The Mysterious Island’.

‘What the fuck?’ she asks… and promptly throws it away.

Imagine if Hurley from ‘Lost’ found Oceanic 815’s manifest, took one look and ripped it up.

Taylor’s biggest contribution to survival on the island would prove to be making hats out of flax.

NAMES

None of the characters that wash up on the I-Land can remember their names, so take the name on the tag of the shirt they’re wearing. Nine of the 10 have believable names – at least by this show’s standards – except Kate Bosworth, who’s lumped with ‘KC’.

It’s later revealed the name tags are their real surnames – except for KC, which stands for ‘Killing Children’. Because that’s what she did before ending up on the island.

Speaking of names…

Most of the twists in ‘The I-Land’ were given away in the show’s trailer, except this I. Yes, I.

You see, the island not actually pronounced ‘I-Land’. It’s name is ‘One-land’. The I is a Roman numeral.

The ridiculous naming doesn’t end there, however. Each episode is pompously named after a quote from Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’, including ‘The Cloud Capp’d Towers’ and ‘The Dark Backward’. None of it has any relation whatsoever to what’s going on.

‘CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT, TRYING TO MATE BASED ON SEXUAL ATTRACTION. AND ME? AN INTELLECTUAL SILENTLY JUDGING THEM.’

I know there’s no way you believe me this is an actual line in the show.

But it honest to god is – and it comes just 13 minutes into the first episode.

Mason – a character whose entire personality seems to be ‘vaguely autistic mass shooter incel’ – asks Hayden what she thinks of the other castaways, just minutes after they’ve come together as a group. She calls them ‘kind of basic’, then delivers a line of dialogue written in the format of a three-year-old meme.

Still don’t believe me? Fair enough. Here you go.

To be honest, it’s not even the worst line about sex in the show. That goes to rapist Brody, who said: “I wasn’t trying to rape you. There’s no such thing like that in a place like this. There’s just sex and no sex. We didn’t have any sex.”

Oddly enough, some critics think this was a good line.

‘CHICKEN’ SOUP

Just seconds after Taylor discovers the name of the show is even stupider than anyone thought (see above), another bombshell is dropped – there’s a cannibal on Two-Land. Why? Fuck knows. Because Bonnie and Clyde said so.

(This might be a good time to mention there’s a couple of shit-stirrers on the island named Bonnie and Clyde whose job it is to mess with the castaways or just outright kill them, if the plot demands it. Amazingly, that’s not quite stupid enough to warrant its own entry on this list.)

And there are no chickens, Bonnie and Clyde say – which is odd, because Taylor’s just eaten something very clearly marked ‘chicken soup’.

Until this point, Taylor has seemed completely oblivious to the fact the fingers on her left hand are missing. It dawns on her idiot brain she has actually just consumed finger soup – making her the cannibal, I guess? No, because that would actually be clever. Clyde clearly states the cannibal is a man, leaving us back where we started.

The cannibal is sadly never mentioned again, because his continued presence would have drastically reduced the length of this awful show – and the prison warden agrees (yes, there’s a prison – more on that later).

THE CONCH

The very first thing that happens on ‘The I-Land’ is Chase finds a conch.

Somehow, despite not even knowing her name or what she does for a living, it turns out Chase knows exactly how to blow into a conch in order to make a trumpet sound. Which she does, despite having the faintest clue where she is and what dangers might lurk in the jungle.

Oh, and the conch has ‘Property of The I-Land’ stamped on it, even though this is a simulation and it literally cannot be stolen.

The conch attracts KC, who threatens Chase with a knife because you never know when you might need a conch?

THE WARDEN

Now for some more on the warden.

For some bizarre reason, the writers of ‘The I-Land’ thought it would be a good idea to have the him be a cross between the Texan oilman from ‘The Simpsons’ and Steve Bannon.

Luckily actor Bruce McGill appears to be only cast member who knows he’s in a train wreck of a show, and hams it up accordingly.

But why is there a prison on the island? Well, it’s technically not. I’ll get to that soon.

Anyway. That shot above where the warden gives a thumbs-up and says, “Cannibal was great!” is used as evidence in his eventual conviction. More on that later too.

THE BLATANT RIPPING OFF OF ‘LOST’

There was a brief run of shows in the late 2000s, early 2010s that tried and miserably failed to emulate the ‘Lost’ formula, but nothing even comes close to ‘The I-Land’ when it comes to outright thievery.

Here’s a few of the ways ‘The I-Land’ shamelessly nicked ideas from ‘Lost’, but totally fucked it up.

• Within two minutes of the first episode, we get the opening eye close-up
• Mystery island – enough said.
• There’s a gun one of the characters manages to extract from a locked suitcase, which the castaways end up fighting over
• There’s a mysterious number
• There are flashbacks
• Some of the castaways’ alleged crimes prior to ending up on the island were somewhat justifiable
• There’s a debate over whether to stay on the beach or head inland to a new location, which splits the group
• There are ‘others’
• There’s a village on the other side of the island
• There’s a second island
• One of the characters is much older than she appears
• Staring into mirrors
• Actions carried out in a past timeline/flashback end up influencing the present
• Characters deciding to keep secrets from one another, but in the case of ‘The I-Land’, for no obvious reason
• There are rules that make no sense, as one of the characters helpfully explains

WHY THE I-LAND EXISTS

The last few minutes of the show drop more twists than Chubby Checker.

Not only is it revealed Chase is actually in her 50s and has spent 25 years in prison for a crime she didn’t commit, the reason for the I-Land’s very existence is revealed.

“So many more people are criminals now since the water started taking the land,” a prison official tells her, “that we needed to have a way to redeem people.”

Which apparently involves sticking a bunch of death row prisoners in a simulation where if they die at the hands of other death row prisoners, they die in real-life?

Anyway. On learning this, Chase is given her freedom and summarily dumped outside the prison, without any exit plan, transportation, money, clothes, housing or work, without any explanation of what fate will befall her husband – who’s still on death row in the simulation, though also being arguably innocent of his alleged crime.

The now-convicted warden is dumped into the simulation he oversaw, with the inmates he put in it, and promptly asks, “Where am I?”

KC is there to deliver the bad news.

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Brian Wilson! Carl Wilson! Dennis Wilson! Al Jardine! Err, John Stamos?

And Mike Love too, I guess…

8. I GET AROUND

I can’t get around how square the video to this song is.

It’s like 1964, the Beatles are tearing shit up in A Hard Day’s Night, getting high and publishing books of poetry; whilst the Beach Boys are singing about avoiding the ‘bad guys’ and finding places where the ‘kids are hip’, while looking like a team of call centre staff on the set of a morning TV show. Still, great song. So great, Mike Love took nearly 30 years to decide he wrote it.

7. DO IT AGAIN

I don’t know why the Beach Boys didn’t do a whole album with this weirdo electro-rock’n’roll sound.

Probably Mike Love. Anyone whose looks deteriorate at twice the normal rate, yet keeps that voice, just has to be evil.

6. DARLIN’

This video was the first hit when I searched Google – if you thought the Beach Boys couldn’t look any less cool after the two above, I give you the 1980s.

Bar the song itself, everything in this clip though belongs to stay in VHS quality.

5. GOD ONLY KNOWS

The ‘official’ greatest Beach Boys song, ever since it was anointed as such by Paul McCartney.

Not sure what the point of having them mime in the video is – it’s not like any of them actually played on the record.

4. HEROES & VILLAINS

I didn’t get much into the Beach Boys’ post-‘Pet Sounds’ stuff until picking up Brian Wilson’s solo version of ‘Smile’ in 2004 or thereabouts. I actually prefer the version of ‘Heroes and Villains’ on that album, though it could have been improved with some studio magic transplanting Brian of 1966’s voice through time.

But this is a Beach Boys list, so there’s their version – it’s pretty much the same, Brian’s backing band Wondermints are that good.

3. GOOD VIBRATIONS

The other ‘official’ greatest Beach Boys song. But I wouldn’t be much of an internet list-maker if I put either of them at number one now, would I?

There’s not really much I can add that the world hasn’t already said about this song, so instead enjoy some footage of the band whose names you know, and the real band who actually recorded the song, putting it all together.

2. WOULDN’T IT BE NICE

A song with a first line only a young person could write.

There are few songs in the world where the lyrics and music mesh so well – it’s almost as if the words themselves defined the melody. Or the other way around. I realise at this point it sounds as if I’ve smoked more pot than Brian Wilson, so I’ll move on to number one…

1. CALIFORNIA GIRLS

What did you think it would be? ‘Kokomo’?

It took 44 takes to record apparently, and was worth every swearword the band probably uttered Brian Wilson’s way.

Some people say you should write what you know. Those people generally aren’t writers, ’cause what most people know is not worth writing about.

Most criminals are probably too dumb to write a good song, but here are a few spectacular exceptions – and others who knew rather than write about whatever dull thing was happening in their ‘hood, decided to write about someone else’s gross misdeeds.

8. BEEN CAUGHT STEALING – JANE’S ADDICTION

Apparently Jane’s Addiction considered this track a bit of a joke. That certainly explains the backing barking vocals.

“We can’t really get behind a song that might encourage shoplifting and the video encourages shoplifting.”

That, apparently, was one Warner suit’s reaction to the track, which became the band’s best-known song. For the record, Perry Farrell said he doesn’t expect people to do anything he does.

“I didn’t get into this to make sermons or set up structures for others to live by. My intent has nothing to do with teaching. It’s to amuse myself on this completely boring planet.”

7. ILLEGAL ATTACKS – IAN BROWN

Not all crimes go unpunished – but not all are committed by presidents and prime ministers in charge of the world’s most powerful militaries.

No one but King Monkey could get away with rhyming ‘Texas’ with ‘Lexus’ – with a straight face at least.

6. JOHN WAYNE GACY JR – SUFJAN STEVENS

Porbably the creepiest song you’ll ever hear that has 4 million plays on YouTube.

John Wayne Gacy Jr was a monster, no doubt – you have to be pretty out there to serve as the template for a Stephen King villain – but I’m not sure he killed “10,000 people” as Sufjan sings at the two-minute mark. Probably one of them clever metaphors songwriters better than I like to use.

5. POLLY – NIRVANA

When I was younger, I figured this was a song about a parrot. Well, maybe not exactly a parrot, but my young brain couldn’t parse Cobain’s prose well enough to figure out he was singing about a real-life rape.

The guy who carried out the sickening act described in the song had already served 20 years in prison for a similar crime in 1960, before being released on parole and resuming his activities. Like many people who don’t deserve to live to old age, he’s still alive.

4. SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN – THE SMITHS

The judge in the trial of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady said they were “two sadistic killers of the utmost depravity”. So of course, there had to be a song written, and the job fell to Morrissey.

The song only mentions three of Brady and Hindley’s victims – they didn’t even confess to all of the mid-’60s murders until 1985, a year after the Smiths’ debut album was released.

And TIL Hole used to cover the song live. Click at your own risk.

3. JENNY WAS A FRIEND OF MINE – THE KILLERS

Of all the artists on this list, you’d have to say good Mormon boy Brandon Flowers would be the least likely to commit a real-life crime.

The first track from their 2004 debut is about a 1986 New York murder, in which the defendant claimed he had no motive, because the victim was a friend of his.

He also tried the ‘These scratches on my face? My cat did those’ and ‘no, she raped me‘ defences, without luck.

2. I DON’T LIKE MONDAYS – THE BOOMTOWN RATS

An excellent song for dragging yourself into work on a Monday morning, at least until someone asks why you’re humming a tune about a fatal school shooting in the US, from back when they were rare enough to actually make the news.

Brenda Spencer was 16 at the time, and like another celebrity killer of the era, a common theme on this list, is still alive and in prison. Bob Geldof on the other hand is still at large, inflicting the public with new versions of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ every decade or so.

1. CAUGHT BY THE FUZZ – SUPERGRASS

The band’s name is literally in the dictionary as ‘a police informer who implicates a large number of people’, yet their debut single was about being arrested for smoking… super grass. *groan*

The closest I came was this time I got caught in a bar when I was about six months away from the legal drinking age. They changed it a few months later.

This is why I write songs about stuff I don’t know.

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Finally, an end to the debate.

I’ve calculated once-and-for-all which year truly was the greatest of all-time. Yes, it’s incredibly nerdy – but it had to be done.

METHODOLOGY

Before we get into the fun stuff, here’s how I did it. I looked at several top 100 albums of all-time lists – some compiled by critics, others by public voting or based on sales data – and allocated points based on each album’s position on the list.

For example, every time ‘Revolver’ topped a list, it earned 100 points for 1966. Whenever ‘The Wall’ appeared second, it scored 99 points for 1979, and so on down to a single point for albums ranked 100th.

If a list was compiled prior to 2019, the years not included got compensated the average the number of points available for each year the list covered.

I also did the same for a few greatest singles of all-time lists.

The points from these made up the bulk of the scoring. I also used 15 years of my own listening data from last.fm to allocate points in a similar way, and lastly added one point for each song in my own 15,000-strong song collection – this way years that had a lot of great records which didn’t crop up in the critics’ and public’s lists got recognised.

Lastly, I gave 2019 a 50 percent bonus to its score, considering we’re only two-thirds of the way through it.

All up, 93,100 points were allocated. The top-scoring year got 3891, the worst only 19.

Right- that out of the way, let’s start with the worst year in musical history since the dawn of the rock’n’roll era.

66th and last: 1962

19 points

The year before Beatlemania broke is, by my calculations, the worst year in music. Most of its points came from the presence of a few good singles – Skeeter Davis’ ‘The End Of The World’ the best, with the Tornados’ ‘Telstar’ and the Beatles’ debut ‘Love Me Do’ among them – but without any albums of great significance, there’s not a lot to say really, except that things would soon get a whole lot better.

It really wasn’t the end of the world – though it might have felt like it to anyone listening to the radio.

65th: 1955

62 points

A year so bad, I only personally have one song in my collection from it. 1955’s top-ranked album according to most sites – Frank Sinatra’s ‘In The Wee Small Hours’ – failed to have an impact on the scoring, regularly failing to reach anyone’s top 100. BestEverAlbums, for example, has it #1 for the year but only 430th overall.

64th: 1958

79 points

A common problem through much of the 1950s is a lack of classic albums that are still popular with critics and the public decades down the track. 1958’s points came largely from a few Buddy Holly singles, with backup from Johnny Cash. But again, no classic records anyone still bothers to listen to (and is willing to admit it).

63rd: 1956

94 points

Not even the arrival of the mighty Elvis Presley could save 1956 from the same fate as its contemporaries – the cover of his debut is iconic, but not every song on it is up to the standard set by ‘Blue Suede Shoes’. The top-ranked album of 1956 doesn’t even make the top 400 of all-time on BestEverAlbums.

62nd: 1957

106 points

We’re now in this little lull between rock’n’roll’s big impact and the ’60s revolution, where the jazz greats kind of dominate the critics’ and listeners’ charts. There’s one particular jazz classic in the late 1950s which towers above all others, propelling its year high in the list… but it’s not 1957, which languishes near the bottom with the rest of the decade’s entries. John Coltrane’s ‘Blue Train’ made the only significant impact on the scoreboard.

61st: 1961

112 points

I’m kind of baffled as to how 1961 made it this high, to be honest. I have four songs from the year in my own collection – two of them by a pre-fame Beatles. BestEverAlbums’ list has the top-ranked album of the year a collection of Robert Johnson tunes recorded in the 1930s. RYM has one man – John Coltrane – occupying the top three spots. Slim pickings.

60th: 1954

151 points

1954’s success over most of its colleagues was down to Elvis’ ‘The Sun Sessions’ album. I know it came out in the 1970s, but one of the first lists I looked at said it was largely recorded in 1954, so that’s where I put it.

Let’s just say if I’d put it in any other year, 1954 would struggle to get off the bottom spot – even if it was the year rock’n’roll arguably began.

59th: 1974

241 points

Finally, our first post-Beatles year! 1974 had a few good records, but clearly none that still resonate with audiences and critics. Like having a centre-right head of state, it’s an oasis of mediocrity when compared to what came immediately before and after.

Standout albums include Bowie’s ‘Diamond Dogs’, ELO’s ‘Eldorado’, Queen’s ‘Sheer Heart Attack’ and John Lennon’s ‘Walls & Bridges’ – while each have their merits, arguably none are their respective artists’ best work. Genesis’ ‘The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’ did well in public lists, and when a Genesis album is the best a year has to offer, you know it’s going to struggle.

Strangely, Homer Simpson once declared rock “attained perfection” in 1974. Worst. Taste. Ever.

58th: 1960

253 points

John Coltrane still reigns, Miles Davis is in there on most lists with an album that still gets mixed reviews, and Elvis was “back” with a record of songs whose titles you wouldn’t recognise.

I would joke the audience that made ‘The Twist’ a craze wasn’t interested in good music, but then again I lived through two years of ‘The Macarena’ whilst still finding decent stuff to listen to, so…

57th: 2018

455 points

And now we have the lowest-ranked year of our most recent decade. Perhaps a coincidence it’s the most recent – classics can take time to digest, after all – but that would ignore the recency bias some public-voted lists have.

If anything, recent years benefited from the methodology described above, receiving a default average score if they didn’t feature in static lists compiled in the past.

Personally, 2018 for me was a year of decent, if unspectacular, records by old favourites – the Manics dipped into another mellow phase, Muse went synthwave with mixed results and Suede just kept doing their thing.

Records beloved by the critics – Janelle Monae’s ‘Dirty Computer’ and Kanye’s ‘Kids See Ghosts‘, for example – aren’t yet showing up in all-time favourite lists.

Time may prove favourable to 2018 yet.

56th: 1964

509 points

And now we have not just the first Beatles year, but arguably the first year of the album era.

It’s a harsh irony however it’s the year they released their first all-original collection, ‘A Hard Day’s Night’, though.

1964’s score is heavily dependent on this one record, while later years in the decade would see the Fab Four with plenty of support from their peers.

55th: 1959

706 points

There’s not a single year in this list as dependent on a single record as 1959. Miles Davis’ ‘Kind of Blue’ towers over everything else like a colossus. It’s ranked inside BestEverAlbums’ top 40, nearly 300 places ahead of its closest competitor.

Sucks to be in 1959 if you don’t like jazz.

54th: 2019

730 points

To be honest, most of my listening this year has been historical. I’m doing a chronological listen to all those 15,000 tracks I mentioned earlier, and am currently up to 2001.

I haven’t even heard ‘Old Town Road’ yet – honestly – but what I’ve heard about it suggests I’m winning.

I suspect the methodology outlined above did 2019 favours, but what do I know? I’ve heard good things about the new Lana Del Rey record though. Will check that out soon.

53rd: 1990

731 points

An underrated year. 1990, like 1974, suffers from being sandwiched between years jam-packed with bona-fide cross-appeal classics.

Instead, 1990 gives us near-flawless records that don’t appear to have caught the ears of most younger listeners – Depeche Mode’s ‘Violator’, Public Enemy’s ‘Fear of a Black Planet’ and the La’s self-titled only record the standouts that put points on the board.

Other records fondly remembered by those who were there by the likes of Slayer, Redd Kross and Sonic Youth simply didn’t feature on any of the lists I consulted.

52nd: 2017

766 points

Like much of the 1950s, 2017 doesn’t feature any records that do well in the public vote lists. Of Kendrick Lamar’s ‘Damn’, Tyler the Creator’s ‘Flower Boy’ and Lorde’s ‘Melodrama’ – the most popular across the sites – none feature in the all-time top 400 on BestEverAlbums, and on RateYourMusic, none of them even get four stars out of five.

The albums I liked that year – Wolf Alice’s ‘Visions Of A Life’ for example – sank without trace as far as list-voting types were concerned.

51st: 2016

792 points

2016 was the year Bowie, Prince and George Martin left us, breaking the space-time continuum and sending us down the horror timeline we now find ourselves in.

For that reason alone it should perhaps sit 10 places lower on this list, but it’s saved by… well, as far as the lists go, I think a few hit singles on one of the Billboard lists I used.

But forgetting the methodology for a second, Bowie’s ‘Blackstar’ was perhaps best record ever dropped by a literally dying man; veterans Suede, Deftones and Weezer delivered records warmly received by fans; and Radiohead phoned in a mellow record and easily topped a few end-of-year lists. None of this was enough to elevate 2016 higher than 51st, but history might be kinder (not politically, just musically).

50th: 1963

851 points

Coming one place ahead of the year it all kind of ended, is the year it all kind of began. 1963 saw the Beatles release their first two records – mostly decent listens, but still the work of an early ’60s pop group.

The album era was just around the corner, and the best efforts of the Fab Four, Bob Dylan and the Beach Boys were still ahead.

49th: 2014

910 points

I’m a bit of a loss for this one. The music I dug in 2014 – a rare good one from Weezer, NZ legends Shihad returning to their ’90s roots, and an emo band frontman’s great debut – is nowhere to be seen on these lists. The stuff that tops BestEverAlbums and RYM didn’t exactly hit the top 100s I used to make this ranking either.

The War on Drugs’ ‘Lost in the Dream’ was perhaps the biggest critical hit of the year. Tried listening to it once and found it boring. *shrug emoji*

I did use a Billboard top 100 singles of all-time chart in the rankings, which seemed to have a lot of crap I’d never heard of on it. Maybe that was it?

Anyway, here’s some kick-ass Kiwi rock.

48th: 1985

938 points

Kate Bush’s ‘Hounds of Love‘ was the driver for 1985, with support from The Smiths’ ‘Meat is Murder‘ and The Jesus and Mary Chain’s ‘Psychocandy‘.

The public-voted lists rate Tom Waits’ ‘Rain Dogs’ highly, but not high enough to help.

The mid-1980s were a bit dry on the classic albums front – indie was still a bit too indie for most, hip hop yet to mature and rock in a commercial stupor. The next year on this list would have none of those excuses for its poor showing.

47th: 1999

951 points

1999’s most critically acclaimed album wasn’t even the band’s best record. ‘The Soft Bulletin’ by the Flaming Lips drove 1999’s score, alongside Sigur Ros’ ‘Ágætis byrjun’.

This might just be the Xennial in me talking, but I can’t help but feel 1999 was hard done by the methodology I chose. By limiting most of the points to albums that made lists’ top 100 – largely for reasons of practicality – years that had a lot of great records that didn’t necessarily hit the critics’ zeitgeist simply didn’t register.

A whole bunch of artists released career highlights in the last year of the 1900s, including Nine Inch Nails, Underworld, Ben Folds Five, Trans Am, Shihad, Rage Against the Machine and Travis, but few of their efforts appear to still be recognised.

46th: 2009

1027 points

Strange year this one. By far the most critically and publicly acclaimed record – Animal Collective’s ‘Merriweather Post Pavilion’ – to my ears is a largely unlistenable tinny Beach Boys pastiche.

But it got the votes, while numerous other records from that year didn’t. It’s truly baffling* to me the Manics’ ‘Journal for Plague Lovers’, Depeche Mode’s late-career classic ‘Sounds of the Universe’ and the Black Eyed Peas’ all-time best worst song ‘Boom Boom Pow’ weren’t the ones racking up the points.

* May not actually have been baffling.

45th: 2015

1039 points

Loads of records this year are really popular with the kinds of people who vote on BestEverAlbums and RYM – ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’ by Kendrick Lamar, Sufjan Stevens’ ‘Carrie and Lowell’ and Tame Impala’s ‘Currents’ among them.

2015 could be a contender to rise up the all-time charts in the future, but for now it wallows down in the 40s.

44th: 1981

1063 points

Like 1974 before it, 1981 was somewhat of a comedown year after a classic run.

It has a number of albums many of you would probably consider classics – Rush’s ‘Moving Pictures’ perhaps the best-loved – but the professional critics hate Rush. There was a lot of very good music, I personally think – Human League’s ‘Dare‘, U2’s ‘Boy’ – still one of their best, King Crimson’s ‘Discipline‘, Duran Duran’s debut, Ultravox’s ‘Rage in Eden‘. But like Rush, the critics don’t rate any of this.

The Guardian did an article a few years back rating 1981 as the most revolutionary year in pop, and they make a good case. But revolutions don’t always make for good listening years down the track – think how much of the first-wave punk was awful, but was necessary to make way for the likes of Joy Division and Talking Heads.

43rd: 2008

1067 points

I’ve got a soft spot for 2008. It was the soundtrack to my last year of being childfree… Anyway. Portishead’s ‘Third‘ was a long-awaited comeback that took a left turn; Coldplay did the cliched thing – hire Brian Eno to make an album that isn’t the cliched thing; NZ’s own Ladyhawke dropped a near-perfect debut; the Killers’ third – and arguably best – album arrived; Guns ‘n Roses released the underated ‘Chinese Democracy’; and Metallica proved ‘St Anger’ wasn’t a once-off and released the even worse-produced ‘Death Magnetic’, but at least it had guitar solos and decent songs.

But here 2008 is at 43rd. Thanks, Obama.

42nd: 1992

1072 points

1992 – the year between new Nirvana studio albums – rested heavily on two records that sound nothing like each other, but were both part of the alternative movement the Seattle trio inspired: Rage Against the Machine’s debut, and REM’s ‘Automatic for the People’.

Looking at my own collection, it was a bit of a lean year by 1990s standards – I guess the shockwave from Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Metallica’s seismic releases the year before was forcing many artists to have a bit of a rethink.

There were highlights though – Nine Inch Nails’ bruising and lacerating ‘Broken’ EP, the Manics’ ludicrous debut ‘Generation Terrorists’ and Nirvana’s odds-and-ends ‘Incesticide‘ keeping things ticking over.

41st: 1983

1086 points

We’re still in the bottom half, but getting years the likes of 1983!? A year which saw REM release their best record of the 1980s, New Order’s ‘Power, Corruption and Lies‘, U2’s ‘War’, Violent Femmes’ debut, and Cyndi Lauper’s ‘She’s So Unusual‘?

I don’t understand how this happened. Well, I crunched the numbers, so I do. Those records just don’t appear in many top 100s – just narrowly out of them, usually. Hits over consistency, sadly.

40th: 2003

1117 points

Great year for music. Look at this top 10 on BestEverAlbums – even the few I don’t really dig I know are stone-cold classics in their genre (the RYM top 10 is a mess, in comparison).

Muse’s best record ‘Absolution’ dominated the year for me. The critics tended to plump for the White Stripes’ mainstream breakthrough, ‘Elephant‘. Most other big-name bands had transitional records – Radiohead’s limbo-years ‘Hail to the Thief’ was still good enough to top some critics’ lists though.

At the indie end, the Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Expolosions in the Sky and the Shins all released records still talked about now.

And 50 Cent released the first mumble-rap song.

39th: 2012

1157 points

2012’s position on the list was achieved almost entirely thanks to one record – Kendrick Lamar’s ‘Good Kid, M.A.A.D City’ – with a little bit of help from Tame Impala’s ‘Lonerism’.

Going by my own stats, it looks like I spent most the year listening to the Smashing Pumpkins’ last good album, ‘Oceania’.

38th: 1988

1172 points

1988 was a key year for the decade to come – it saw the release of Sonic Youth’s ‘Daydream Nation’ masterpiece and the Pixies’ ‘Surfer Rosa’, which paved the way for the alternative boom of the 1990s; ‘…And Justice For All’, Metallica’s last underground thrash record before hiring a bass player and going mainstream; and ‘Straight Outta Compton’, which would set the template for ’90s gangsta rap.

Surprised it isn’t higher!

37th: 2011

1194 points

2011 wasn’t that good. I don’t know how it managed to crack the top 40. Adele’s ‘21‘ was pretty huge I guess? Bon Iver’s self-titled and PJ Harvey’s ‘Let England Shake‘ are the only big critical hits it seems. Even Radiohead managed to release an album that made the critics shrug.

There was good stuff – St Vincent’s ‘Strange Mercy’, Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi’s ‘Rome’ and Duran Duran’s best album in three decades – but when a year is relying on Duran Duran to impress the kids and critics, it’s gonna struggle.

36th: 2002

1203 points

Underrated year. One I think will do better in 100 years, when everyone who was alive when ‘Sgt Pepper’s’ came out is dead.

The early 2000s saw the last big wave of rock bands hit – Queens of the Stone Age crushed all opposition in ’02 with ‘Songs for the Deaf’, getting Nirvana’s Dave Grohl in to play drums and obliterating anything the Foo Fighters were working on in their wilderness years.

Wilco’s rejected ‘Yankee Hotel Foxtrot’ found an audience online, making the alt-country group unlikely internet superstars well before MySpace was even invented.

The Datsuns briefly became the biggest NZ band in history overnight with their debut, Beck showed he had feelings with ‘Sea Change’, Bowie made his critical comeback with ‘Heathen‘, the Mars Volta released their brilliant – and only listenable – record, Johnny Cash took ownership of NiN’s ‘Hurt’, and even Coldplay wowed the critics with their career-best ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’.

That’s not to mention Norah Jones making her debut, the Flaming Lips releasing perhaps the single greatest song of all-time, Interpol’s critics-wowing ‘Turn on the Bright Lights’, or the best song ever written about getting revenge on a pirate.

36th is far too down the list, really. Sort it out, fellow music geeks!

35th: 2000

1228 points

Jebus, another good year that doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom half of this list!

2000’s most critically acclaimed record was also one of its most controversial – Radiohead’s left-turn away from rock, ‘Kid A’.

If rock was still your thing, Marilyn Manson delivered their best album (at least according to Allmusic), and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club’s debut dropped, easily their defining work.

Outkast’s ‘Stankonia‘, Godspeed You Black Emperor’s ‘Lift Yr. Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven!’, Ryan Adams’ debut ‘Heartbreaker‘ and Coldplay’s first ‘Parachutes‘ dropped in too.

The millennium was off to a good start. If only it weren’t for those goddamn Millennials screwing it up… (I jest! *waves fist at cloud*)

34th: 1998

1232 points

Rounding out the bottom half of this list is 1998.

Almost all its points were generated by one record – Neutral Milk Hotel’s ‘In the Aeroplane Over the Sea’. I find that record OK in small doses – but at the risk of sounding like Patrick Bateman, tend to lean towards the more commercial stuff that came out, such as Marilyn Manson’s actual best record ‘Mechanical Animals’, Rob Zombie’s ‘Hellbilly Deluxe’ and Garbage’s ‘Version 2.0’.

The ‘Spawn’ soundtrack might have come out in 1997, but 1998 really was peak year for ’90s electronic/rock crossovers.

Massive Attack, Boards of Canada, Madonna and Lauryn Hill also contributed here and there to 1998’s score. Records that didn’t really pitch in, but should in future critics’ lists include Refused’s ‘The Shape of Punk to Come‘, Mansun’s bonkers magnum opus ‘Six‘ and The Living End’s debut.

33rd: 1993

1256 points

Another year I thought would do better, but at least we’re in the top half of the list now.

The Smashing Pumpkins’ ‘Siamese Dream’ leads the way, Billy Corgan reinventing what guitar distortion could do on the band’s big breakthrough record.

Other big contributors to 1993’s score were the Wu-Tang Clan’s ‘36 Chambers‘ and Nirvana’s ‘In Utero’.

On this side of the world, 1993 saw the release of the expanded version of the Headless Chickens’ ‘Body Blow’, one of the best Kiwi albums ever made.

32nd: 1986

1275 points

Cancelling Morrissey in 2019 doesn’t mean never listening to ‘The Queen is Dead’ again, right?

The other record helping lift 1986 into the top half was Metallica’s ‘Master of Puppets’, in what appears to have been a seminal year for metal – RYM’s top 10 also has Slayer’s ‘Reign in Blood’, Megadeth’s ‘Peace Sells’ and Iron Maiden’s ‘Somewhere in Time’.

Elsewhere, Paul Simon’s career peaked with the controversial ‘Graceland‘, Sonic Youth hinted at future glories to come with ‘Evol‘, XTC recorded yet another critical hit and commercial flop in ‘Skylarking‘, and REM started to work out how to rock on ‘Lifes Rich Pageant’.

Not a bad year all round, but I’m sure time is the only reason it’s ahead of a year like 1998.

31st: 2013

1317 points

At first glance, I’m a little confused how 2013 made it this high (the second-ranked year of the present decade on this list).

None of its records make the top 100 on RYM or BestEverAlbums, but there were a couple of lists I looked at in which users seemed more willing to rate modern records, like the Arctic Monkeys’ ‘AM’ or Kanye West’s ‘Yeezus‘; and it also saw the release of Daft Punk’s long-awaited ‘Random Access Memories‘ and Lorde’s hit debut ‘Pure Heroine’.

Vampire Weekend’s ‘Modern Vampires Of The City‘ was another good one, Bowie made his comeback with ‘The Next Day’ and ageing Paul McCartney didn’t embarrass himself with ‘New’.

So not a bad year really. At second glance, no confusion at all.

30th: 2005

1341 points

From here on, every year featured will likely feature a huge record that underpins its score – if not more.

2005’s is Sufjan Stevens’ ‘Illinois‘, the second of his 50-album set covering the entire United States, which 14 years later remains a series of… two.

A bit of assistance came from Gorillaz’ ‘Demon Days’ and Kanye West’s ‘Late Registration’, but that’s about it for the scoring.

Plenty of other good stuff though – Paul McCartney’s best album since the 1970s ‘Chaos And Creation In The Backyard’, Ryan Adams released three records – saving the best for last, the sombre and downbeat ’29’ – and its polar opposite, LCD Soundsystem’s iconic debut.

29th: 1984

1402 points

Prince was on top of his game in the mid-1980s, with ‘Purple’ Rain’ dominating critics’ charts for 1984.

The Smiths pitched in with two records – their debut and ‘Hatful of Hollow’ – still popular, despite Morrissey’s thoughtcrimes of the recent past.

’80s legends U2 and Bruce Springsteen released the albums that made them superstars, and support came from the growing metal scene – still-underground Metallica and Iron Maiden releasing well-received records too.

But the Purple One reigned. Check out this 13-minute live clip, where he fits about six hours of aerobics into a single song.

28th: 1982

1412 points

No guessing which record dominates 1982’s scoring. Of course, the hipsters over at RYM rate it second behind The Cure’s ‘Pornography’, but ‘Thriller’ has not just the critics behind it, but listeners and buyers.

Prince hit the big-time with ‘1999‘, while Duran Duran dropped their best – Rio – and Iron Maiden made sure everyone knew the number 666.

27th: 1976

1425 points

The runt of the late ’70s litter is 1976, caught in a no-man’s land between Floyd albums and decent Zep records. It was also a bit early for most of the punk classics.

Opinions on top record for the year are pretty closely split between Bowie’s ‘Station to Station’, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Songs in the Key of Life’, and the Ramones’ debut.

Boston’s debut pitched in a few points, but that’s about it. Critics love the 1970s, putting 1976 into the top half almost by default – but it’s the bottom of the pack for the decade’s second half for a reason.

26th: 2007

1476 points

2007 is all about Radiohead’s ‘In Rainbows’.

Bon Iver’s debut also earned the year a few points, but without Radiohead’s pay-what-you-want masterpiece, 2007 would have likely ranked down in the 50s or 60s.

Personally, I think there were a lot of decent records that year – the Good, the Bad and the Queen, the Manics’ commercial comeback ‘Send Away the Tigers’, and LCD Soundsytem’s ‘Sound of Silver’. Was kind of surprised MGMT’s ‘Oracular Spectacular’ was nowhere to be seen on the lists.

25th: 2006

1478 points

Just pipping 2007 at the post is the year before it, 2006. Odd one this – BestEverAlbums and RateYourMusic, the two biggest meta-lists, have almost completely different top 10s. Joanna Newsom’s ‘Ys‘ is the only record they have in common.

The former skews more commercial, featuring the Arctic Monkeys’ debut, Muse’s ‘Black Holes and Revelations‘, My Chemical Romance’s ‘The Black Parade‘ and Amy Winehouse’s big-selling ‘Back to Black’, while the latter’s topped by underground rapper J Dilla and features Tom Waits.

Thom Yorke’s incredible debut solo record ‘The Eraser’ strangely didn’t feature in the lists – weird, considering how well Radiohead tend to do.

24th: 1989

1536 points

The 1980s are slowly, but surely, ending… Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails released their debuts this year, the Pixies’ biggest album came out and the Stone Roses set the template for the ’90s Britpop boom.

Madonna, Tom Petty, Faith No More and the Cure also had a big year, in case anyone forgot it was technically still the 1980s.

We’re starting to enter that part of the lists where the hits are becoming too numerous to list…

23rd: 1970

1541 points

This was Sabbath’s year – two of the top three records on RateYourMusic, for example.

Neil Young, Simon and Garfunkel, John Lennon and George Harrison all had career highlights too.

The Beatles – for perhaps the first time in their career – contributed nothing with their entry, ‘Let It Be’. Not surprising, since it has the distinction of being the only one of the band’s original UK records that doesn’t have a five-star rating on Allmusic.

22nd: 2001

1562 points

At the time seen as ‘Kid B’, ‘Amnesiac’ nowadays enjoys just as much kudos as its older sibling – and its year of release ranks higher than both 2000 and ‘In Rainbows” 2007.

But in 2001’s case, it wasn’t Radiohead doing the heavy lifting – splitting the load with the Strokes’ ‘Is This It’.

Bjork, the White Stripes, Muse, Tool and Daft Punk all contributed a few points here and there.

21st: 1996

1608 points

Big year for me, being 16 and all. Weezer’s sophomore record ‘Pinkerton‘ was critically mangled at the time – I think I dubbed maybe three songs from it when I borrowed the CD from the library – but now it’s unbelievable a band that recorded excrement like ‘The Black Album‘ was once capable of such honest and tortured genius.

Elsewhere, Beck hit the bigtime with ‘Odelay‘, DJ Shadow put out the one record he’s still known for, Tool did ‘Aenima‘, Marilyn Manson was still scary.

I really could go on here – the Manics recovered after losing Richey, Ash’s debut ‘1977‘ remains their only essential album, and Stone Temple Pilots proved they were more than just a grunge facsimile with the underrated Beatles-grunge of ‘Tiny Music’.

But as I mentioned earlier, few of these artists are popular with critics.

20th: 2010

1614 points

Kanye West’s ‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ drove the score for 2010, the second-highest ranked year of this millennium.

Arcade Fire’s Grammy-winning ‘The Suburbs’ helped Kanye drive 2010 into the top 20, but there wasn’t much after that putting points on the board.

In a just world, MGMT’s ‘Congratulations‘ would have shot the duo into the stratosphere, but instead it got ignored and they haven’t made a decent album since.

19th: 1978

1699 points

The post-punk period’s a favourite with critics, and for good reason.

Kraftwerk released a virtual pop record in ‘Die Mensch-Maschine’ (The Man Machine); Blondie – never really a punk band, but in the scene – made disco cool; the Cars released their debut record and almost completely exhausted their supply of great songs in the process; and Van Halen invented ’80s rock.

18th: 2004

1701 points

In 18th place it’s the highest-ranked year of the current century, 2004.

It’s one of those years I suspect might rise when people my age – or younger – start writing the history books.

Arcade Fire’s ‘Funeral‘ was huge – a lo-fi indie record I could put on and sell to virtually anyone in the store I worked at, at the time. It’s a top 10 record of all-time on BestEverAlbums’ list. I sometimes wonder if the women in their 50s who heard ‘Crown of Love’ when I played it in the store and bought the record without hesitation ever listened to it again.

Brian Wilson’s ‘Smile’ also came out in 2004, and it’s an indictment on critics that it didn’t really feature on the lists I looked at. It was as good as any Beach Boys version would have been in 1967.

Elsewhere, Franz Ferdinand and the Killers made their debuts, and Ryan Adams released the full version of his still unmatched masterpiece ‘Love is Hell’.

Music – according to this methodology – has never again been as consistently good as it was in 2004.

17th: 1987

1726 points

Huge year – another one I’m surprised isn’t higher.

Prince put out ‘Sign o’ the Times’ and invented the lyric video (embedded below). Guns ‘N Roses released ‘Appetite for Destruction‘. Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria‘. INXS’ ‘Kick’. U2’s ‘The Joshua Tree’. REM’s commercial breakthrough ‘Document‘. The Smiths’ ‘Strangeways’.

Problem is, I think, none of those records are across-the-board favourites. GnR and Def Leppard are ’80s rock, so not cool; U2 simply aren’t cool, regardless of the decade. REM would have bigger critical and commercial hits, Prince would have records with bigger singles, the Smiths were past their peak and INXS were Australian.

16th: 1980

1829 points

We’re into the top quarter now.

1980’s the year I was born. Talking Heads’ least accessible album of their career turned out to be their biggest critical hit, and David Bowie released his last great record before going pop.

Joy Division’s ‘Closer‘ (released when I was 11 days old!) and ACDC’s ‘Back in Black’ (a week after that) closed out the scoring – could there be two rock albums more different?

Loads of other great albums came out that year – Devo’s ‘Freedom of Choice’, Simple Minds’ ‘Empire and Dance’, Split Enz’s ‘True Colours’, Gary Numan’s ‘Telekon‘ and John and Yoko’s swansong ‘Double Fantasy‘ among them.

It was all downhill from here though – 1980 was the top-ranked year of the decade.

15th: 1965

1977 points

From here, you’ll notice the points start to exponentially escalate. We’re getting into the years which have multiple albums acclaimed across the board.

The highest-ranking year of the early ’60s was 1963, coming in 50th. Thirty-five places higher we have 1965, the lowest-ranked year of the decade’s second-half. If that doesn’t illustrate what a revolution in music occurred once the Beatles started dropping acid, I don’t know what would…

Anyway. Bob Dylan topped the list with ‘Highway 61 Revisited’, and also scored with ‘Bringing it All Back Home‘. The Beatles also pitched in with two critical hits, ‘Rubber Soul’ and to a lesser extent, ‘Help!’.

John Coltrane put jazz points on the board for perhaps the last time with ‘A Love Supreme‘.

Those few albums scored so well, you don’t have to scroll far in either the RYM or BestEverAlbums lists to see stuff you’ve probably never heard.

14th: 1973

2047 points

There’s a pretty good chance 1973 would be slumming it with the pitiful, execrable 1974 if it weren’t for one all-conquering record… Pink Floyd’s ‘The Dark Side of the Moon’.

Not only a critical favourite, it’s reported an entire West German CD plant in the 1980s was dedicated to pressing copies of the iconic album. And no other record syncs as well with ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

1973 wasn’t otherwise all a wash however. Wings’ ‘Band on The Run’ was good, and Elton John released ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’. But outside of that… 1973 is lucky to have made it this far.

13th: 1972

2154 points

Few would argue 1972’s best album, ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars‘ by David Bowie, is a better record than ‘The Dark Side of the Moon’, but it’s just the tip of a much bigger iceberg the year had to offer.

While 1973’s score was racked up by just the two records, 1972 had Bowie, Nick Drake, Yes, Neil Young and the Rolling Stones all having a go.

12th: 1995

2250 points

My initial justification for making this list was to figure out whether 1991, 1995 or 1997 was the best year for music ever. Being born in 1980 made such a bias inevitable, of course.

Considering the fetish most critics have for years past, it was actually refreshing to see 1995 place this high.

Radiohead’s ‘The Bends’ top most lists, with Oasis’ ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?‘ and the Smashing Pumpkins’ magnum opus ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’ completing the medal count.

Bjork, Pulp, Alanis Morisette, Portishead, the Foo Fighters and PJ Harvey also made waves. Under the critical radar, I’d add White Zombie’s ‘Astro-Creep 2000‘, Blur’s ‘The Great Escape’, Supergrass’ ‘I Should Coco’, Bowie’s ‘Outside‘, the Presidents’ first record and NZ’s own Jan Hellreigel with ‘Tremble’.

11th: 1979

2468 points

Punk, post-punk, classic rock and the beginnings of what would dominate the ’80s all came together to close out the 1970s, in a year that was all-but robbed of a top-10 placing.

The Clash’s ‘London Calling’ actually showed up on a few lists as a 1980 album, which if I didn’t know better would probably have resulted in 1979 and 16th-placed 1980 swapping places.

Also scoring were Joy Division’s ‘Unknown Pleasures‘ (the better-known, but weaker of the two studio records they did) and Pink Floyd’s double-disc opus ‘The Wall’.

Records that pitched in here and there included Talking Heads’ nervy ‘Fear of Music’, Gang of Four’s ‘Entertainment!’ and Michael Jackson’s solo hit ‘Off the Wall’.

Now, for the top 10 musical years of all-time…

10th: 1968

2509 points

You’ve probably worked this out by now, but critics *love* the 1960s. Well, from ‘Rubber Soul’ onwards anyway (little reminder that 66th and last place went to 1962).

Coming in 10th is 1968 – flower power is all the rage, but the cool kids are starting to move onto tougher things. The Beatles’ self-titled double record wiped the slate clean for the Fab Four, literally, dabbling largely in folk, experimental sounds and a bit of murder-inspiring hard rock.

Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Electric Ladyland’ took the guitar to new heights, while the Velvet Underground proved you could also have a critical hit without being able to play at all.

The Kinks’ ‘The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society’ this many years later is their most popular record, but reportedly sank on release – making it perfect for critics in 2019 to love.

Others posting points were the Band with ‘Music From Big Pink’, Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’ and Simon and Garfunkel’s best record, ‘Bookends‘.

9th: 1994

2535 points

The first of three ’90s years to make the top 10 is 1994, with post-grunge in full swing, Britpop kicking in and hip hop slowly taking over the airwaves.

Portishead’s ‘Dummy‘, Nas’ ‘Illmatic‘ and Jeff Buckley’s ‘Grace‘ top the critical pack; debuts by Weezer and Oasis and Nine Inch Nails’ ‘The Downward Spiral’ remain favourites too.

Chuck in Nirvana’s posthumous ‘Unplugged in New York’ (first album I ever bought!), Green Day’s ‘Dookie‘, Blur’s ‘Parklife‘ and Soundgarden’s ‘Superunknown‘, and it’s hard to deny 1994’s spot in the top echelon.

8th: 1997

2620 points

The original idea for this blog entry started as a joke on Twitter.

1997 was the year I originally had in mind. ‘OK Computer’ is the obvious standout, and after combing through various top 100 lists on the internet, it would appear the world agrees.

It’s the top-ranked album of all-time on both RYM and BestEverAlbums, and infamously topped a Q list compiled in 1998 – just a year after its release.

But at the time, us fans weren’t so sure. I asked a friend whose defined role in our group was the Radiohead fan (at the time, I was the Blur fan) whether it was good. “Yeah, it’s OK,” he told me.

Since then, enough’s been written about ‘OK Computer’ to fill the internet twice over (probably 20,000 times over in ’97), and based on the methodology I used, was responsible for probably about 90 percent of 1997’s score.

But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a year packed with other great music – I was 17 after all, so it’s only natural I’d say that!

Check it out though – Bjork’s ‘Homogenic’, Prodigy’s ‘The Fat of the Land’, Chemical Brothers’ ‘Dig Your Own Hole’, the Foo Fighters’ ‘The Colour and the Shape’, Supergrass’ ‘In It for the Money’, Rammstein’s ‘Sehnsucht’, Daft Punk’s debut, Mansun’s ‘Attack of the Grey Lantern’ – the list goes on.

Note I didn’t put ‘Be Here Now’ on that list. If that record had lived up to the hype, I’m sure 1997 would be competing for #1, not slumming it down here in eighth.

7th: 1975

2793 points

The peak of big-era ’70s rock. 1975 was so huge, it birthed a Led Zeppelin double album, a Floyd record with a song so long it had to be split into two parts and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

Chuck Bruce Springsteen’s breakthrough ‘Born to Run’ and critical darlings like Patti Smith’s ‘Horses‘ and Bob Dylan’s ‘Blood on the Tracks’, and it’s clear why 1975 made the top 10.

6th: 1966

2954 points

1966 earned its place largely on the strength of just three records – the Beatles’ ‘Revolver‘, Bob Dylan’s ‘Blonde on Blonde‘, and – featuring surely the worst album cover of any record on this list – the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds‘.

It’s fairly slim pickings outside that trio, but they’re beloved enough for 1966 to earn its place in the top 10.

Perhaps if I was slightly more insane and recorded the top 500 in some of the longer lists, 1966 wouldn’t have fared so well. (Yes, I will find a way to give 1997 its due…)

5th: 1969

3147 points

The year the Beatles released their album which has best stood the test of the time was always going to do well – and here it is at #5.

‘Abbey Road’ and King Crimson’s iconic ‘In the Court of the Crimson King’ dominated the charts on behalf of 1969, with support coming from Led Zeppelin’s first two records.

As is common for the 1960s, 1969 relied heavily on a few well-loved records, with little for modern ears outside those. Some – like The Who’s ‘Tommy’ – sound fantastic to me – and probably everyone not used to hearing music on earbuds – but are in other ways so of their time, it’s no wonder they largely remain fans-only.

4th: 1991

3235 points

The highest-ranked year of the 1990s couldn’t really be anything other than 1991. Unlike some years – looking right up at you, 1966 and 1969 – 1991 had enormous depth on the album front.

There were the records that were both commercial and critical hits, such as Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind‘, REM’s ‘Out of Time‘ and U2’s pinnacle, ‘Achtung Baby’.

There were records critics were never going to like, but sold like crazy anyway and have gone on to be considered classics, such as Metallica’s self-titled, Pearl Jam’s ‘Ten’ and Guns ‘N Roses’ twin ‘Use Your Illusion’ records.

But many of 1991’s points came from albums that likely sold sweet fuck all but are remembered fondly, like My Bloody Valentine’s ‘Loveless’ and Slint’s ‘Spiderland’ .

Chuck efforts from Massive Attack, Primal Scream, Soundgarden and the Smashing Pumpkins in there, and you’re left scratching you’re head how 1991 isn’t #1.

3rd: 1977

3568 points

New and old clashed in spectacular style in 1977.

On the one hand you had the peak of the first-wave punk explosion, and hints of the second – the Clash, the Sex Pistols, the Buzzcocks, Wire, the Damned, Elvis Costello and Talking Heads all released their debut albums.

On the other, you had the dinosaurs – Pink Floyd. But in their defence, they unleashed most bitter, angry record yet. ‘Animals’ might have had songs 17 minutes long with extended guitar solos and an overarching concept, but the atmosphere and message was one of disgust and hatred of the direction humanity was heading. (Roger Waters has barely changed since.)

Across the channel you had David Bowie decamping to Berlin and inventing the ’80s with ‘Low’ and ‘Heroes’, West Germany’s Kraftwerk on the other side of the border laying down one of hip hop’s first beats in ‘Trans-Europa Express’, and across the ocean Bob Marley laying down the album that would make him a star, ‘Exodus‘.

Overshadowing all of this was Fleetwood Mac, whose ‘Rumours’ probably outsold every other 1977 album I’ve mentioned put together.

And on the singles front, Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ took what Kraftwerk were doing and made it pop.

2nd: 1967

3641 points

1967 was peak 1960s – the rapid changes of the previous couple of years reaching full bloom, with ’70s-style hard rock still barely a glint in Jimmy Page’s eyes.

The big one is of course The Beatles’ ‘Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band‘. Thought its critical star has fallen in recent years, there’s still recognition of its place in the canon. It was more than just another record – ‘Sgt Pepper’s’ was a milestone, proof anything could be done provided a band was good enough. With technology that gave them only as many tracks to work with as there were band members, the newly studio-bound Beatles crafted a series of miniature masterpieces – and in the case of ‘A Day in the Life’, colossal – without a second thought given to how they’d perform them live.

An album the critics have never stopped loving – but it never translated into sales – is the Velvet Underground’s debut.

Rounding out the top five point-scorers for 1967 were the Doors’ debut, Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Are You Experienced‘ and Love’s ‘Forever Changes’.

Unlike some other high-scoring years from the ’60s, the 1967 goodness doesn’t end there however. Pink Floyd’s ‘The Piper at the Gates of Dawn‘, recorded just down the hall from where the Beatles were working, documented the mind of a true madcap; and the Beatles, Hendrix and the Doors all released excellent second albums later that same year – something that would never happen today.

#1 – 1971

3891 points

And here we are. The all-time greatest year in music, at least according to this nerdy little survey. Homer Simpson was just three years off.

I mentioned earlier how much critics love the 1970s, and 1971 was full of the kinds of music they like (at least before punk hit).

Topping the list is Led Zeppelin’s fourth self-titled record, the one with ‘Stairway to Heaven’ on it. And ‘Black Dog’. And ‘Rock and Roll’. And ‘When the Levee Breaks’. I could – like a Zeppelin album – go on for a while here.

Let’s just list the classics that put points on the board, shall we? You know how to google.

The Who – ‘Who’s Next’
Marvin Gaye – ‘What’s Going On’
David Bowie – ‘Hunky Dory’
Carole King – ‘Tapestry’
Black Sabbath – ‘Master of Reality’
Rolling Stones – ‘Sticky Fingers’
Joni Mitchell – ‘Blue’
Yes – ‘Fragile’
Pink Floyd – ‘Meddle’
T.Rex – ‘Electric Warrior’
John Lennon – ‘Imagine’
Paul McCartney – ‘Ram’

So whether you think those records combined are the best batch ever released in a calendar year or not, there’s no doubting 1971 was good. Best of all-time good? Well, certainly a lot better than 1962, surely.

If I ever do another one of these lists, I’m going to find a way to make sure the 1990s come first.

The full rankings

1. 1971
2. 1967
3. 1977
4. 1991
5. 1969
6. 1966
7. 1975
8. 1997
9. 1994
10. 1968
11. 1979
12. 1995
13. 1972
14. 1973
15. 1965
16. 1980
17. 1987
18. 2004
19. 1978
20. 2010
21. 1996
22. 2001
23. 1970
24. 1989
25. 2006
26. 2007
27. 1976
28. 1982
29. 1984
30. 2005
31. 2013
32. 1986
33. 1993
34. 1998
35. 2000
36. 2002
37. 2011
38. 1988
39. 2012
40. 2003
41. 1983
42. 1992
43. 2008
44. 1981
45. 2015
46. 2009
47. 1999
48. 1985
49. 2014
50. 1963
51. 2016
52. 2017
53. 1990
54. 2019
55. 1959
56. 1964
57. 2018
58. 1960
59. 1974
60. 1954
61. 1961
62. 1957
63. 1956
64. 1958
65. 1955
66. 1962

For a band many dismissed as Radiohead copyists when they first arrived on the scene at the turn of the millennium, the trio formerly known as Gothic Plague have done alright for themselves.

8. SURVIVAL

From a wildly erratic album – in style and quality – came a brilliant track with unlikely origins.

Written for the 2012 Olympic Games, it’s essentially a fight song and probably not what the Games’ organisers expected. It’s a bit Wagnerian, a lot Queen, and perhaps the extreme end of Muse’s predilection for musical lunacy.

Pitchfork – a site which underrates Muse so much, they didn’t even bother to review the band’s best record, ‘Absolution’ – called it “by far the most ridiculous song on ‘The 2nd Law‘, if not Muse’s entire career, meaning it’s the most successful”. Which is arguably true.

See also: ‘United States of Eurasia, ‘Space Dementia’, ‘Apocalypse Please’

7. SHOWBIZ

From the band’s debut, comes one of their greatest tracks – it’s raw, rocking, epic and to a large extent responsible for lifting the album of the same name above those offered by their contemporaries (whatever did happen to JJ72?).

Sure, it was ‘Muscle Museum’ that broke them – and it’s a great song too – but ‘Showbiz’ provided the template they’d build upon in the great leap forward that was ‘Origin of Symmetry’.

See also: ‘Cave’, ‘Newborn’

6. ENDLESSLY

‘Endlessly’ never comes up in discussions on Muse’s best tracks… until now!

The band’s first real foray into (kind of) electronic music, ‘Endlessly’ is a beautiful detour from the other sounds ‘Absolution’ has to offer. It isn’t a pounding, end-of-the-world rocker, nor a strings-and-piano elegy. It’s simply one of the best – and most underrated – songs they ever did.

And it has “one of those shakers that’s really intense”, as detailed in the clip below.

But damn, this comment I came across on songmeanings.com – I’m not sure I’ll ever hear that line the same ever again.

See also: ‘Algorithm’, ‘Dead Inside’, ‘Map of the Problematique’

5. BUTTERFLIES AND HURRICANES

An underrated gem at the back end of ‘Absolution’. Matt Bellamy gets to show off his piano skills while the others grab a beer.

The harmonies are perhaps the first sign Muse would later go on to almost literally become Queen.

See also: ‘Hyperchondriac Music’, ‘Dead Inside’

4. PLUG IN BABY

AKA the one that always makes the top 10 guitar riffs of all-time lists, with a lick that snakes and sizzles more than it pummels.

Matt Bellamy revealed in 2018 the title came from a baby monitor the band saw in a retailer’s catalogue, which inspired a song about “abandoning all individuality, becoming a collective whole via cables, and genetically engineering bodies that can exist out in space, or the loss of individualism”.

And if this is the first time you’ve seen anything from the music video, yes – WTF is the appropriate reaction.

See also: ‘MK Ultra’, ‘Hyper Music”

3. HYSTERIA

I once played the bassline during a soundcheck, and the crowd reaction was the highlight of our entire gig.

‘Hysteria’ was inspired by an earlier song from the ‘Origin of Symmetry’ sessions called ‘Futurism’. Both have enormous fat basslines, yearning choruses and guitar histrionics – though ‘Hysteria’ is clearly the much-improved version 2.0.

@purpleasuretard interesting suggestion… That song led to the idea for Hysteria bassline

— Matt Bellamy (@MattBellamy) March 31, 2011

The top YouTube comments sum up how powerful the song is: “My guinea pig listened to this and turned into a pig.” “My dog listened to this… He is now a wolf.” “Before Hysteria: ‘I’m a bassist’ – After Hysteria: ‘I’m not a bassist’.” Yes, for once it’s worth reading the comments.

And yes, that’s Justin Theroux in the video smashing up that hotel room – he’d later go on to star in ‘The Leftovers’, a show with a piano theme that – with the addition of an orchestra – could have slotted right onto ‘The Resistance’.

See also: ‘Assassin’, ‘Bliss’, ‘Supermassive Black Hole’

2. KNIGHTS OF CYDONIA

The video says it all, really.

If that was ‘The Phantom Menace’, the prequels would today be held in higher regard than ‘The Empire Strikes Back’. Just that six minutes – no trade negotiations, no Jar-Jar, no midichlorians. Just… whatever the hell is going on here.

It’s been widely reported the song’s riff was inspired by the Tornados’ early ’60s instrumental hit ‘Telstar’, Matt Bellamy’s dad being the band’s guitarist. That song was composed by bandleader Joe Meek. But it bears perhaps an even closer resemblance to the Tornados’ 1963 single, the much relatively obscure ‘Ridin’ the Wind’ – which was composed by his dad George.

See also: ‘City Of Delusion’, ‘The Globalist’, ‘Exogenesis’

1. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Simply put, the perfect Muse song.

Anything you like about Muse, it’s here. Seriously, there’s so much, I have to bullet-point it.

• Razor guitars
• Massive tom-heavy drums
• Keyboard arpeggios
• A driving distorted bass
• Synth-like walls of strings flying off into space
• Queen-esque harmonies, used sparingly
• Falsetto
• Guitar dive bombs and harmonics
• A bass guitar that matches the lead guitar note-for-note (who else does that?)
• The heaviest, most distorted sound the band ever pulled off
• Ending with a huge riff that both Rage and the Pumpkins would have written entire songs around – and only playing it for 16 seconds.

And it could have been terrible. Musewiki.org says, “According to Dom and Matt initially, the song was going to be a quiet song and sweet.” Sweet? Nope.

Even now, as Muse shifts into being a synthpop band, the song lives on as part of the band’s live ‘metal medley’.

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The Beatles. Has there ever been a weirder band that got quite as big? Well no, ’cause no one’s ever been as big as the Fab four. But it’s amazing the world’s most popular group was able to record songs like the following eight – at the height of their fame nonetheless – without being locked away.

8. BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR. KITE

‘There will be a show tonight… on trampolines!’

Even the best songwriters get a bit lazy sometimes, and John was no exception – pulling the inspiration and most of the words for the oddest track on ‘Sgt Pepper’ from an old-timey circus poster. Still, when the music is this inspired, who needs words that mean anything?

Strangest bit: the carnival samples were assembled literally by cutting up bits of tape and reassembling them at random. So – just like the words – perhaps not much thought was put into the music either.

7. SIE LEIBT DICH

A rare, time-busting collaboration between the Fab Four and Rammstein? Not quite.

Ah no. It’s a German-language version of one of their biggest early hits, ‘She Loves You’. I don’t speak any German – and apparently the Beatles didn’t either, despite paying their dues in Hamburg.

Strangest bit: Aside from the fact it’s the Beatles singing in German? The band completely mispronounces ‘dich’, so they’re essentially singing something quite rude. Also, it’s no the only song they did in the Teutonic tongue – there’s also ‘Komm gib mir deine Hand’. You don’t need to speak German to figure out what that means.

6. REVOLUTION 9

I bet you expected to see this at number one. Number one. Number one.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever made it to the end of this ‘song’. For all I know it ends with harmonising that puts Because to shame and guitar riffs meatier than Metallica. Probably not, though.

John Lennon’s sound collage is believed to be the most widely-distributed piece of avant garde art of all-time.

Strangest bit: it sounds nothing at all like ‘Revolution’ or ‘Revolution 1’.

5. YELLOW SUBMARINE

This one’s a lot stranger than I think most people realise.

The only reason it doesn’t seem odd, when you think about it, is because we all grew up singing it at school. Well, we did when I was little anyway. But think about it – it’s a straightforward Ringo-sung children’s song, complete with novelty sound effects, smack bang in the middle of what some would call the greatest rock album ever made.

Strangest bit: the fact it’s on ‘Revolver’ and no one cares.

4. I AM THE WALRUS

‘Goo-goo-g-joob!’

https://vimeo.com/172674451

Another one whose weirdness might be dulled by over-familiarity – listing its many quirks might be the best way to remind oneself just how odd I Am the Walrus really is.

There’s the nonsense lyrics, the callbacks to other Beatles songs, the chants over the song’s lengthy outro, a recording of a Shakespeare play, ‘ho ho ho, hee hee hee, ha ha ha!’… the list goes on.

Strangest bit: Goo-goo-g’joob, surely.

3. ONLY A NORTHERN SONG

‘You might think the chords are going wrong… but they’re not.’

A deliberately weird song recorded at the height of the band’s acid period, it’s kind of a messed-up sequel to ‘Taxman’, George again finding a way to whine about the incredible financial success the band was having – the millions he earned just weren’t up to scratch compared with the bazillions Paul and John were raking in.

Strangest bit: That the rest of the band were happy to indulge George in this piece of psychedelic misery.

2. YOU KNOW MY NAME (LOOK UP THE NUMBER)

A goofy collection of style pastiches, Paul once said it was his favourite Beatles song. Ironic then it appeared as the b-side to one of John’s least favourites, ‘Let it Be’.

John even wanted it as a Plastic Ono Band a-side, which would have been a stark contrast to ‘Cold Turkey’, ‘Mother’ and ‘Instant Karma’.

Strangest bit: Paul’s weird vocalisations about two-thirds of the way through.

1. WHAT’S THE NEW MARY JANE

‘Let’s hear it, before we get taken awa…’

The true lost classic of Beatles weirdness – at least, that we’ve heard so far. Imagine John Lennon writing a song with Syd Barrett, whose band Pink Floyd was making ‘Piper at the Gates of Dawn’ just down the hall from the Beatles when they were recording ‘Sgt Pepper’.

‘What’s the New Mary Jane’ sat on the shelf for nearly 30 years, not being released until Anthology 3 in 1996. Recorded for ‘The White Album’, I can think of at least eight songs that it could have replaced… but that’s a list for another day.

Strangest bit: From 0:00 to 6:13. Yes, that’s the whole thing. That’s why it’s #1.

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